They swirl and they twirl...

Joyeux Anniversaire

2011-11-13T11:18:00.001-05:00

It's a moment frozen in time.Me in my office attire, pushing through the revolving door. And there you are, OH MY GOD. I think you were trying to take a picture of me. Maybe that picture is lost forever now, lying on the floor of a bar where we left it at 4 AM.But that moment is ours. I'll be forever circling on that revolving door, and you'll always be standing there. To confuse and excite and surprise and delight me, like you have been known to do.It's quite representative of what we have.

We'll have to make do

2011-10-26T22:23:00.002-04:00

There are lights everywhere.

Parking signs.
Blinking red hands.
Reflection of brake lights on the black roads.
A grid of little windows, reaching up to the sky.
Neon lights.

Happy Diwali.

A reddish kind of blue

2011-09-01T21:16:00.002-04:00

My heart it is made of glass.

Please don't crush it, it will make your hands bleed.

Whosaidit

2011-07-30T20:07:00.003-04:00

"Where would you like to live?"

"A place that has seasons."

Raw

2011-07-28T18:08:00.004-04:00

No metaphor, no poetry.

You and that little tin box. So annoying, I tossed it in the trash clamourously so my feelings about it were made known to all. And how annoying that you just alternated between that baby blue T shirt and the black kurta! What about all the nice clothes my mom gifted you. Can't you even appreciate her gifts? Seriously dude, the documents go INSIDE the document bag. And all these empty bags go into the bag bag. Stop laughing at me. Stop making me laugh, I am angry, dammit. I hate that you took care of so many things and I loved it too. But the time I love you most is after a fresh shower. Your skin is warm and your hair is damp and you are just so goddamned huggable.

So long, and thank you for all the jellyfish.

Something broke last night

2011-07-16T18:27:00.003-04:00

I smoothed my hands over your face in the darkness. I don't want to forget the contours, I want to be able to reconstruct you.

(How could you be consoling me when I know you're in as much pain as I am?)

This morning you were gone, and it feels like someone switched off all the lights inside of me.

(Love scares me. Whatever am I going to do when you die?)

Lucky Me

2011-07-16T18:20:00.001-04:00

I have said it before, and I will say it again.

Chemistry is sharing a private joke.

I sometimes didn't get the joke, but I laughed anyway.

Rainbows in blue

2011-04-10T19:26:00.004-04:00

A few hours before dawn, quiet jazz was playing on the lawn. Dozens of red lanterns were hurled at the sky, and everyone watched in silence as they became one with the stars.

And it was six in the morning. The salty sea faded softly into the sky and the frothy waves threatened to drench her indigo. Little golden leaves around her neck caught the sun and trembled in the wind. She didn't really need that glow. In the tangerine light, she squinted to see the lagoon. The moment was hazy and clear like they describe in songs. There was laughter. It was the laughter unique to mornings.

That laughter is unique to the beginning of things.

And what else

2010-10-06T00:12:00.002-04:00

I am getting wedded! In less than two months! I don't know why I put in so many exclamation marks, I'm not really that excited!

I have discovered that I like taking a 5 day vacation every month. I may need to discuss this with my boss.

I have also discovered that despite there being no truth to the matter, an increasing number of people are telling me I remind them of Madhuri Dixit. I think I need to just take it and go.

My tooth was mercilessly dug up, filled in, drilled, gassed, and now the crown has fallen off.

I have a flight to catch in one hour and forty minutes. Which means more single serving meals and more inflight entertainment. Yippee.

Look what's cooking!

2010-10-06T00:10:00.001-04:00

Tomato Butter

tomatobutter, tomatobutter.

Say it quickly 10 times.

Sarsaparilla

2010-10-05T23:57:00.002-04:00

You know when there were coniferous trees all around us?

You know when it was foggy and we couldn't see the mountains -

When Andre sang under a steam clock that chimed Westminster Quarters (and then Operator was not about winter anymore) -

When bartenders and patrons spoke in one voice -

When we hugged under a low ceiling -

When mornings were mornings and breathing was easy --

It wasn't too long ago. Let's go back there.

Two Danish Engineers

2010-09-16T20:28:00.002-04:00

And what happened a hundred or so years after.

I miss it, you know. The bus rides and the girl with the liquid eyes and the perfume talk and clove, oh sweet clove. Daily gulab jamuns and shared plates and exam preparation and small talk and big talk and laughter. So much laughter. Riviera and seedha jaana right se. Anger and sadness, but above all, memories.

Everyone told me it was hard to make friends after one grows up. Here's to you suckers.

In case you were wondering

2010-07-15T21:45:00.004-04:00

I'm still here. still happy, still colourful, still hyperthymic, dreaming about food and music and in general living the good life.

In addition:

My jibb, my man, he's with me. In NYC. Living with me under the same roof. Who'd have thought, eh?
I baked some kick-ass pastry-puffs and won this book at a baking contest of sorts. Held on a warm spring afternoon in the open air under the blue blue skies!
I finally started wearing my engagement ring. Took a while, that one.
I met so many yelp buddies and they are so nice and warm and they're quickly becoming my favourite people to hang out with.
I moved into my new apartment, painted it, decorated it, and it makes me happy to wake up in it every single day. Serious.
I performed in a singing recital at a Cabaret bar in the Theater District.
I got asked out by a cab driver, citing my uncanny resemblance to Madhuri Dixit. Sure.
My ma and daddy were here and I got pampered like there is no tomorrow.
I'm thinking of starting to write a recipe blog, and I am so excited about it.

Writer's block

2010-03-27T18:12:00.007-04:00

Everything feels strangely choked, constricted, shut off. That colourful stream that unending stream just waiting to pour itself on paper. Remember? That disobedient stream that would pour regardless has been replaced by only a sense of looming cloud of dark words that threaten to spring themselves up on me without warning or ceremony. Except they don't.

Many apologies for the silence around here. Yes, to all of my three readers, sorry.

Bang bang

2010-02-26T19:22:00.000-05:00

my baby
shot me down.

kyoot

2010-02-21T22:52:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, I'm just in the frame of mind when I think everything is cute. Have you ever had those phases?

Anyway. A little boy/ say of three or maybe four, / in an afro stood at the/ corner of 76th/ and Amsterdam avenue.

His big sister she tried to/ pull him away and be on / their way but he wouldn't budge. / Stood transfixed, blankly staring.

Slowly a small crowd gathered/ (mostly women, of course), and/ they oohed and aahed from time to /time. It was so very cute.

In a few years he will be/ the same decaying matter/ as everybody else.

Just breaking it up into sevens for your reading pleasure. Who knows, you might think it's cute./

The baking roster

2010-02-20T18:39:00.004-05:00

Just because I felt like .

Brownies made with cake mixes and a stirrer, diligently stirring 50 times as instructed. The sickly sweet mediocre ones.
Cheesecake, a homage to New York, a first experiment at baking from first principles, although admittedly the cream cheese was packaged.
Red velvet cake. Given my reluctance to add artificial colouring, this one just ended up looking brown. And I also found it decidedly un-velvety.
Recipe for cold lemon souffle - too little gelling agent = Cold lemon soup.
Pineapple-upside-down cake, for my lovely beneviolent's birthday. I burnt the caramel the first time around.
Marble brownies. Moist, crunchy, marble brownies. Swearing that I will never again touch a cake mix. What for? We've got real talent here.
Banana walnut cake. I love bananas. I love walnuts. End of story.
Blueberry crumb cake. Moist cake, warm, gooey berry filling, and crunchy buttery top. Say mmm.
Chocolate chip sea-salt cookies. A revelation.
French Macarons with chocolate almond buttercream. I am still shocked that I pulled this one off successfully.
Lace cookies dipped in dark chocolate. Lapped up by 25 fellow bakers at a cookie exchange event. I'm still smiling.
Lemon squares with shortbread crust. lemony lemony lemony. It's never too lemony for me.

Many more and still counting. A year later, I weigh exactly the same and I'm considering that an achievement.

What Can I say

2010-02-20T18:38:00.001-05:00

So many things have happened and yet we are in the same place.

New age

2010-02-02T19:50:00.003-05:00

It was love at first sight.
As if something --
just clicked.

Pressing down on her little heart she
meets him; goes to every party he's been to,
listens in when he reaches out to old friends
although she doesn't say much.

He's perfect for her, he shares her
political views (libertarian),
favourite movies (A river runs through it),
music (swedish pop).

Unfortunately,
it's hard to get your feelings
across as a facebook stalker.

Where have all the flowers gone

2010-01-31T15:38:00.004-05:00

After I'd eaten my weight in food at Curly's, I was heading back to subway with my doggy-bag. I muttered under my breath about not buying warm gloves. At -6 degrees, it definitely feels long overdue.

At the entrance of the yellow subway line, I saw a homeless man. He was wearing cloth wrapped around his feet (shoes), pens stuck into his ears (muffs) and was folding some extra clothes into a black trash bag (home), which already had in it a few empty plastic bottles and a bag of chips. That was it. All his belongings.

I looked at the brown bag in my hand, then at him. I said, "Excuse me, would you like to have this sandwich?". He flashed a toothless smile at me, and extended his hand. I handed the food to him and as I turned back, he pulled my arm. I can't tell for sure, but I think he was holding his arms open to hug me. He had dark grime under his fingernails. He probably sensed my hesitation; he withdrew his arms and said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" with the same toothless grin. I gave him a hurried smile and continued down the stairs. Once I was on the platform, I patted off the dust from his hands on my coat-sleeve.

Did I just do a good deed? I don't feel so good.

Objects of iridescent nacre

2009-11-09T19:29:00.002-05:00

A lifeless colour thanks you:

For walking under indigo skies just before daybreak.
For waking me up from my relentless morning slumber, day after day after day.
For telling me I am lucky.
For listening patiently when I irritatingly complained about the state of my room at four in the morning.
For being so much like me and yet poles apart.
For believing in me when I didn't.
For telling me I can't have everything.
For always being there even though I wasn't, for you.
For liking me even though I make the same predictable mistakes over and over again.
For knowing the signal from the noise.
For being the most selfless person I have ever known.
For letting some of that selflessness rub off on me.
For allowing me to compliment myself while complimenting you.
For needing me too, once in a while.

And that's not the half of it.

And suddenly sunny

2009-11-08T22:43:00.002-05:00

Just like that.

I was wrong. Your words are capable of shaking me out of every misery. I love you, and that is about all there is to it.

Le sigh

2009-11-08T14:32:00.004-05:00

Was I unsurprised? I shouldn't have been. Was I in my senses? I couldn't have been.

Dreams do come true. They momentarily shatter your reality. They don't allow you to enjoy perfect New York weather, instead making you curl up as if it is dark and windy outside.

Dreams do come true, and it is neither sparkling nor magical. Nothing, not even the spell you weave with words about being a gaijin can shake me out of my misery. It is like that time the Bombay local train ticket checker looked at me funny, not believing me when I said I really had lost my ticket and tearing a fine for Rs. 175. It made me go red in the face. Except this time I AM guilty, and no one caught me. My face is flushed warm and my hands are cold and I hate it. Funnily, I never thought this sort of thing could disturb me. I, who can neatly deconstruct a relationship, did not see this coming.

You know what my problem is? I (beep)ing* never see anything coming.

But I have a plan. This time, there will be no rewind and repeat, I promise.

(* Yes, even in my insanity, I do not lose sense of propriety - That's part of the plan. Cursing is for losers anyway.)

Soundless thoughts on weary nights

2009-10-02T00:23:00.004-04:00

Maybe I can curl up into a fetal roll and cross my arms and clench my fists and shut, shut, shut the world out.

Or wear waist-length hair and open my arms and look up at the sky and run to the horizon on dew-topped grass.

Yeah, same pinch bub: We're both commitment-phobes.

Today I wore my long black coat to work. A lot of people probably did, the streets looked visibly duller. Today I got my first static shock in months. Oh my god, winter is here.

At midnight, I tore away the aluminium foil and slowly placed the heavy waffle (loaded with promise to deliver) on the plate. I opened the takeaway containers full of joyful accompaniments. I cut through the then-sauce-now-paste. I heated. I scooped out generous spoonfuls of the nut-buttery caramel that had melted into the little square bowls of the waffle. I forgot my fatigue for a few quiet moments.

(No No darling, thank YOU for being such a wonderful guest.)

Regular rant

2009-09-15T23:45:00.007-04:00

Americans, this is what I have to say to you.

1. I can say butter instead of budder, hash instead of pound, ddmmyy instead of mmddyy, and still speak perfect English. Okay?

2. You think it shockingly embarrassing to sweat in the armpit, and then proceed to nonchalantly deafen the general public's ears by blowing your nose into your tissue. Hmm.

3. Yes, your portions ARE too large.

4. When I tell you I'm not well, I'm usually looking for sympathy. "Take care, darling" is prefered to "Gosh stay away from me and don't give me whatever it is you have". Just letting you know.

5. Like is a surprisingly versatile word. It's a noun, verb, conjunction and a preposition. However, if you say like, at like the slightest drop of a hat, it's like kind of annoying.

6. Why do most of you think stand-up comedy = toilet/sexual/racist humour? (Yes I do spell it with a 'u'.)

7. Being charged for incoming text messages is lame. Lame. Did you hear me?

Tu, et moi

2009-09-14T23:17:00.006-04:00

You you, me me.

You strong, me weak.

You dismisser, me believer.

You aggressive, me defensive.

You black pepper, me yuan zhi.

You even-keel, me hyperthymic.

You for tax rates, me for neon lights.

You mock arrogant, me mock modest.

You minimalist, me post-impressionist.

You patient teacher, me irreverent student.

You moderate in your lifestyle, me flamboyant.

You flamboyant in your thoughts, me moderate.

You, love without boundaries. Me, I lay conditions.

You tireless and me tireless. You honest, me honest.

You, generous. You, broad-minded. You, sharp-witted.

You, who I constantly reject and you who complete this

oddly sloping passage, almost but not quite.

All in one gentle evening

2009-09-01T23:27:00.002-04:00

Wait. Ten minutes for the unadulterated aroma of crisp cookies fresh out of the oven. Sit cross-legged at a bus stand, knowing you are catching a bus to nowhere. Sip hot, thick, dark chocolate at said bus stand; try to keep pace with the cream formation at the surface of the cup.

Listen. There might have been sparrows in the background (you never know). Try to walk daintily in oversized clumsy Nike floaters. After all, the cute guy you just overtook might be watching you. Talk about taking risks with a 35-year old who's always followed his heart. Wonder when you would give up what you have to sell hot cookies and thick chocolate to people like yourself. Give your beneviolent one a warm hug. Stand by the messy kitchen sink and talk for hours.

It passed rather quickly.

Our song, Jibb

2009-08-31T00:08:00.001-04:00

Just because I didn't write it first doesn't mean I don't mean it more.

Things have come to a pretty pass
Our romance is growing flat,
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that,

Goodness knows what the end will be
Oh I don't know where I'm at
It looks as if we two will never be one
Something must be done:

You say either and I say either, You say neither and I say neither
Either, either Neither, neither, Let's call the whole thing off.

You like potato and I like potahto, You like tomato and I like tomahto
Potato, potahto, Tomato, tomahto, Let's call the whole thing off

But oh, if we call the whole thing off Then we must part
And oh, if we ever part, then that might break my heart

So if you like pyjamas and I like pyjahmas, I'll wear pyjamas and give up pyajahmas
For we

know we

need each other

so we,

Better call the whole off off
Let's call the whole thing off.

Rewind, and repeat

2009-08-30T23:58:00.003-04:00

Flutter by, little

butterfly.

Turning my knees into marshmallow. Honey Gelee, Warm chocolate, Sweet grain mash of the fermented kind.

Last night,

I dreamt of you and in my dreams, I was asleep -

And you kissed me.

When I woke up, I was unsurprised, in the knowledge that dreams will never come true.

Thinking of you (Liar Liar)

2009-08-08T19:50:00.001-04:00

Right from the start

You played your part

And all that remained, in fact

Was an Oscar-winning act

That stole my heart.

Fleeting meetings

2009-06-21T11:48:00.002-04:00

Stranger, I know not you

But you smiled at me

Stranger, I've never seen you before

But you rose from your seat

On the F train so

I could sit

And I shared your body

Warmth on a cold winter's day

In a subway. Stranger,

I don't know who you are

But you followed me from

20 steps behind in a lonely lane

On a dark night.

Stranger, you don't know who I am

But you told me of

Your watch-obsessed girlfriend

Maybe you were drunk.

And you stranger, you met me

At an ATM machine

And told me stories

Of how many people

Abused your body, here

And here and here.

Stranger, you're no

Stranger to me.

Lake district all over again

2009-05-29T18:34:00.002-04:00

Once again, imperfections in the glass screen create a kaleidoscope of the world outside.

A lazy sheet of water stretches across like cellophane, riddled with tiny ripples. Once again it lay there half-disrespecting the golden rays of the afternoon sun, not bothering to reflect them back.

After all

what's afternoon

an after thought

and after that

the aftermath

of lost thoughts

and eaten cookies.

Sparkles

2009-05-29T18:26:00.002-04:00

"Will you marry me?"

"I'll think about it."

"Okay, so that's it then. We're engaged."

"Looks like it. You want to grab some dinner?"

Stream

2009-05-03T15:45:00.004-04:00

What a wonderful day Hey that bunny Rabbit looks like a Cloud i Mean that cLoud looks Like a bunny rabbit oops Was I actually staring at that guy's crotch I didn't mean to. there's something about passing a laundromat on a summer day so Refreshing! breathe in Honey nuts always smell better than they taste but the wafting aroma always fool me into buying some Poetry slam! how wonderful did I already say that I love this city it makes me smile I should make something involving jalapenos and cheese Umm maybe right now I'm in the mood for a drink by the way avocado juice is a pretty good concept but it doesn't quench thirst Limca is the only soft drink that does Like someone sang sad movies always make me cry yes that was Sue Thompson the girl who told me about her also told me about strawberries and cream and we tried to make some on a weekday afternoon but it didn't turn out well Ahem the things that I did on weekday afternoons Stitching Tight skirts from frilled ones and papier-mâché and raw custard and paper-burning Dacoits and the tickle monster and swimming lessons with palani sir and harish sir in blue water that occasionally turned green by those stupid kids with no bladder control Was I one of them if there were three things I could choose it would be food music and travel I think I have nothing new to say really but I'm lucky to have friends who like me despite that you know what CHEMISTRY is It's sharing a private joke.

Emoted

2009-05-03T13:27:00.001-04:00

Shamed, ashamed, blamed.

Elated, abated, vindicated.

It's fated.

On being good

2009-04-19T12:59:00.003-04:00

My faith in humanity has been completely and irrevocably restored. Thank you, little nepalese man.

After 24 hours of kicking myself and bad dreams, the sun shines and cool breeze blows and hair glows and other such lovely things happen. In 24 hours I have been both the benefactor and recipient.

On a related note, this is to the podgy old man who was lying motionless on Grand Street and his wife whose front teeth were knocked off. I hope you are safe and the ballet your son wrote was well-reviewed. Thank you for being astounded by our goodness. I was repaid handsomely.

Déjà vu

2009-04-18T20:21:00.001-04:00

Shiny clothes make me sick
Laughing faces make me weep
Mother, today on me do not pick
Mother, please put me to sleep.

Yes, darling?

2009-03-31T23:44:00.001-04:00

I'll pass you the butter if you promise to exercise.

*

(I really am quite sorry it turned out this way)

A dream in 1Q09

2009-03-31T23:37:00.002-04:00

That night I dreamt of happyness and woke up laughing in my sleep. So sunny.
---

Things don't need to be complicated to be wonderful, she said. So true.

Lust for Life

2009-03-21T16:49:00.003-04:00

It is only appropriate that I use these borrowed words to thank you for not having one boring bone in your body.

...and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"'

Liberté, Equalité, Fraternité

2009-03-15T18:48:00.002-04:00

---
Like the cloudless sky

Abstract music

Late Sunday evening

---
Like clean snow

Freshly ironed shirt

Grandmama's hair

---
Like the fusion of turmeric and soap

Cool blade on soft skin

Staring at bright light through closed eyelids

Sometimes

2009-03-15T18:32:00.003-04:00

Graceful people have smelly socks too, sometimes. Sometimes a stranger's smile feels like a warm hug. Sometimes it really is better to say nothing at all. Sometimes butterflies can seem to last forever.

:)

Oaf

2009-03-01T11:23:00.003-05:00

Breaks glass bottles
Frets about it

Walks in sticky rain with
A crooked crow of an umbrella

Walks out of a party
Experiences staircase wit

Solves puzzles
For validation

-------

Pliant and pliable mean the same thing. Reliant and reliable do not.

Demand

2009-02-26T00:09:00.001-05:00

A girl

who loves

magic

waits to feel

the

ineluctable

modality

the visible.

Headstone

2009-02-22T03:42:00.003-05:00

How does it feel (how does it feel)?

When the moonlight shone
With the silver sown
Into a silent drone
A lucky touchstone....

To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Lucid dreaming

2009-02-22T03:33:00.004-05:00

It's back in style.

I dreamt of Jostein Gaarder yesterday. It was the most interesting story. About a restaurant, where everything was based on Sophie's Verden and the Solitaire Mystery and each of us had to discover the truth about ourselves. Cryptic clues in the waitresses' words, subtle hints on the menu card. I loved every minute of it. My senses were alive.

And then,

I woke up.

Yesterday

2009-02-22T03:29:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I had a moment. Of butterflies.
Okay, so I've had my share of slow dances with other men. For whatever it's worth though, if I had to pick someone sans the dance, it would be you.

But, not if you think I'm delirious, if you know what I mean.

Anti oxidants

2009-02-03T23:10:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I made the yummiest blueberry compote. I am fairly convinced I can give some chefs a bun for their honey. All I need to do is lose some risk aversion and La will be born.

La, a song on everyone's lips
La, a name on their fingertips
La, a note that followed so
More and more and more and more
La, for every girl
For every shiny curl
Of soft hair, of a happy mouth
Of a friendly face that's headed south
La with coziness that stays
La my favourite place
La with dusty books and
Sparkling plates.......
And blueberry compote.

* SNAP!*

Dreams, dreams, dreams.

Whose Life

2009-02-03T23:02:00.003-05:00

Wine, whine, vine. Pine and Opine. Fine dine and fall in line. Shine, twine, define.

Divine.... mine.

Fun Facts

2009-01-12T23:45:00.001-05:00

#1 I don't comb my hair.

#2 I love water - pools, showers, baths, anything.

#3 I don't really know what the word 'veto' means.

#4 I am a phone-fibber.

#5 I'm easily pleased and eager to please.

#6 I hate being a grown-up.

#7 Seven is my lucky number and I really believe it.

Slices of the perfect life

2009-01-10T09:38:00.002-05:00

. Waking up really early, leaving powder fresh to meet passion dance and sing songs in a yellow bus
. Arriving in London on a sunny morning
. Breakfast at P's place after a hurried meeting at MTNL
. Eating blueberry parfait at an English Pret a Manger
. Walking through impressionist galleries
. Returning from a Dubai shopping mall to eat pulikozhambu and pink keerai kootu
. Lying with my little cousins, listening to Amama's stories and dozing off gradually in a comfortable curtainless room darkened by bedsheets across the windows
. Garam chai and nashta at the forgotten one's home
. Evening classes at Vakil's and a short pitt-stop at a bakery now called Biona
. Returning home to find mom in the kitchen, dad watching TV, eating leftovers from lunch
. Doing something, anything on a Saturday night in New York
. Taking the night flight on Friday to meet R midway across the 12-hour distance.

I think of you

2009-01-08T00:23:00.002-05:00

Come! to my land of cloudless skies and sunlit days and neon nights. I promise never to speak of eggs and to keep you well moisturized :)

Merry Christmas

2009-01-01T20:27:00.000-05:00

Glass balls and glowing lights.
Dead tree in living room.
Killed to honor birth.

(No I didn't write this beautiful poem)

Easily Nostalgic

2008-12-21T22:43:00.005-05:00

Hello,
Yellow.
or were they dirty brown?
She thought with a frown
And found in this thought
Carefully wrought
By three forehead wrinkles
Were several crystal sprinkles
Of memories
That at once sieze
the foolishly classic,
Easily nostalgic.

Infinite Loop

2008-12-21T22:38:00.003-05:00

Did I ever mention that I hate loud noises? It freaks me out and sets off a small scream inside me, which freaks me out and sets off a small scream inside me, which freaks me out and sets off a small scream inside me...

You get the drift.

Fifteen minutes of

2008-12-21T22:20:00.002-05:00

Close your eyes, and read:

And I sat
in an atrium
Underwater
Surrounded by floating apples
Hazy. Midnight psychadelic
Colours seep through the walls. Slow.
And now feet everywhere
Trying to touch
And in the fleeting instant
Of that one touch
Fusing into each other
Feet upside down
Turn,
Into the ugly jaw
Of a boar. Close up.
A wolf running behind
Red Muslin,
Heavy tires
Carefully tread
Over red flowers.
Silk lapping up the petals
Taking their form in print.
Hands in close-up can look
Distorted. All these lines, I tell you.
Pour warm purple liquid
Over the lens
And wipe it off to reveal
Tulips.
Green strawberries
Suspended in hot pink
melting into one and then
Bouncing away as four.
Under water, sunlight
Filters through the pest-holes
In green leaves.
Wreckage after rain
Little feet
Go Splat. Gold piping on Pajamas.
Squishing ripe mangoes
Stepping over apples
And feet float
Clasped by ribbons
And apples float
And the boar moves slowly ahead...
It begins again, slowly and in close up.

*
And outside -
Lettuces blossoming through snow on the sidewalk, and large plastic bags filled with marshmallows dumped in the trash.

Let's talk about

2008-12-11T23:57:00.003-05:00

Lost blackberries. Dripping Christmas lights. The wedding at Cana. A solitary glove. Hot chocolate with chantilly. Bohemia. U Zlate Studne. Soft cold white snow. Hot red wine for 3 euros. Revolutionising poster art. George Gershwin and others in a mirror chapel. Alice's adoloscence and how it turned into a weird sexual drama. Jacuzzi. A castle. 19th century art. A very intoxicating green liquid. Flames before my eyes, flames in my head. A lost wallet. Freely flowing tears. A heart-breakingly beautiful city. My wonderful friend with liquid eyes. Talking. Talking some more. Skipping Wagamama. Cobbled streets in the night-time. Hearty eating. Water-liles and ponds as seen through the eyes of an eighty year old man. Let's talk about the many, many artists who swarmed to that nectar-laden city. Montmartre sans the cigarettes. A sacred heart and some shaken pictures. Laduree. Talking to sleep. Opulence. Gardens as far as the eyes can see. Installations. Reading to sleep. Walking. Peeling wallpapers. Rooibos tea. An explosion. Then another. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Psychadelic Eiffel. Diamonds and rubies as seen from the sky. Ineffective airline staff. And let's not talk at all about the city I call home.

They swirl and they twirl....

2008-12-11T23:10:00.002-05:00

The colours in my head, baby blue pastel red.
That's Rubbish! said he, Superficiality.
And proceeded thence to crush me (Bang bang, he shot me down).
A spirit now replaced by a hollow carved by sharp words (Bang bang I hit the ground)
And now, my love, my love is as all-seeing as yours (Bang bang, my baby shot me down).

No, I didn't mean the blogging :)

2008-12-11T23:09:00.000-05:00

Stop

2008-11-18T23:09:00.001-05:00

Just....... Stop.

Memories

2008-11-16T23:05:00.003-05:00

Blast from the past A scene of much suspense on the big screen I grip the clammy hand firmly The white light fills the cinema hall for a brief moment with visions of 19 year olds breezing in a tottling autorickshaw at Bandra singing asynchronistically and feeding a sunscreen lotion sandwich to a yellow-eyed boy

Have you forgotten me sooner than the ink could dry on our tragic love story It has after all been only 4 years And don't you know that your reply is anticipated with as much bated breath as the highly climatic end of this great movie I watched today Sigh What I need to tell myself is that pushing the refresh button on my inbox several times does not send telepathic correspondence urges to you

Siddhartha P told me you were a virus and must be deleted from the system Siddhartha P be very wise

In the midst of angst

2008-11-16T02:46:00.002-05:00

...Un samaiyal arayil naan uppa sakkaraiya...

...Nee padikkum araiyil naan kangala pusthakama...

...Nee viralkal endral naan nagama modirama...

...Nee idalkal endral naan muthama punnakaiya...

...Nee azhagu endral naan kaviya oviyana...

...Naan vekkam endral, nee sivappa kannankala...

...Naan theendal endral nee virala sparsangala...

...Nee kuzhanthai endral naan thotilla thalattha...

...Nee thookam endral naan madiya thalaiyana...

...Naan idhayam endral nee uyira thuditudipaaa.

...Nee vithaikal endral naan veyra vilainilava...

...Nee virunthu endral naan pasiya, rusiya...

...Nee kaidi endral naan siraiya thandanaiya...

...Nee mozhigal endral naan tamila osaigala...

...Nee puthumai endral naan Bharathiya Bharathithasana...Nee!

Nee thanimai endral naan thunaiya doorathila - Nee thunai thaan enral naan pesava yosikkava.

Nee thirumbi nindral naan nikkava poyvidava - Nee pokirai endral naan azhaikava azhuthidava?

Nee kadhal enral naan seriya, thavara?

[Seri, Seri, yeppodhumey seri. :) ]

Well I'll be damned...

2008-11-16T02:39:00.002-05:00

...if there ever comes a day that I can think about you without a heavy heart. Happy Birthday.

Untitled

2008-11-16T01:49:00.006-05:00

After an evening of movie wine and great music (the disgruntled bouncer gave me a frowny face hand-stamp), I decided to take the subway back home. So I left for the subway station, a little dampened - part from the roof-rain, part from the bag-keeping at the crowded bar.

I got into the surprisingly crowded train (for 1:30 AM, that is) and settled down. That's when this guy walked up to the train doors that hadn't closed yet. He stayed on the platform, and went, " Ooh, you girl, you make me excited. Ooh, Ooooh, you Indian or somethin? You make me so hot. Ooooh. Oooooooh." And he started making these obscene gestures which I only dared to glimpse from the corner of my eye, as by now I was trying really hard to keep my eyes fixated on the floor. The doors finally closed, ending a really long minute.

Disgusting. Get a life man, and stop killing my innocence.

[I completed the ride with a frowny face that matched my hand-stamp. When I got out of the subway and started making my way home, there was a guy standing outside, giving away the nearby sushi place handouts and when he saw me he smiled and he said, hello, how are you. I ignored him and walked on :( ]

Social Profile

2008-11-16T01:46:00.000-05:00

This is a summary of reasons that people gave when asked "Why would you date M?"

1. cute (2 votes)
2. funny (2 votes)
3. hot (2 votes)
4. personality (1 vote)
5. smart (1 vote)

This is so great for my self esteem.

Daddy

2008-11-11T00:15:00.001-05:00

I hate your loud voice and I fight with you over the remote control but don't you EVER die on me.

Countdown

2008-11-11T00:13:00.001-05:00

Heart skips a beat, one by one, one for each year of knowing you and one for each year of not.

In Concert

2008-11-09T21:19:00.003-05:00

My favourite, favourite singer. I love you to pieces and I love how you hit a C on the third and the fifth octave with the same effortless ease. And I love you although I killed my friend P's song, and made into a song about you and a man you once loved dearly, who was also so good with words and who was also quite the original vagabond.

Ghosts...

2008-11-09T21:08:00.003-05:00

You my unforgotten one, are not unforgiven. Because I often dream of you, and you turn into other people in my dreams, just as other people have turned into you in reality. You, who I turned to and laughed with and sang in the hall where voices always echoed.

Cinnamon tea and honey on toast don't taste the same anymore. Happy birthday.

Chasing spirits

2008-10-18T12:36:00.005-04:00

#1
Home decoration and stained-glass, slowly losing their idyllic charm. "Come on, honey, don't be silly. You don't need to earn money to be independent". Fumes of five spices mix with the screams of little Jackie and little Tyler as the mirage reappears, in her cooking pot.

#2
Perched on the edge of the diving board, She tries to shake off the hangover from last night. Always at the top. Of things. Of the corporate ladder {nice little corner office}. Of the mountain she trekked last weekend with the blue-eyed boy {her blue-eyed boy too}. Of the metaphorical world as she does a graceful back flip and dives neatly into the ice-cold water {visions of heaven swimming in her head}. Just as well she didn't learn how to swim, to be invincible would be a curse.

My night

2008-10-15T23:03:00.001-04:00

My starry night my friend my lindor dark you mean much more than I admit in my silly jokes and my constant avoidance of phone calls

Something died...

2008-10-15T22:49:00.003-04:00

...today. Yet another anniversary. I begin to feel I am jinxed, forebearing closure to everything that I have begun. I suppose I should feel excited about the new job. Sigh, alright.

-----------------------------
Each cell in my body, physically, feels heavy. The mouth is dry from too much Pinot Noir and a mouthful of sweet Reisling. Lead fingers type on the cotton keyboard, and numerous typos and meticulous corrections are in order.

-----------------------------
And what can I say about the little one who does so many things. And about the one who calls me "my dear mad one" but has not proposed yet. And of the one who tells me that he can bear at most one coversation with me every quarter.

Choices

2008-10-15T00:27:00.002-04:00

All forts. (Never let them tell you that they're all the same)

Flattered. And battered.

Mon Esprit...

2008-10-11T19:28:00.002-04:00

...est une maison de chocolat.

In so many flavours.
Rasberry infused,
Butter-champagne-truffled,
Rainbow-sprinkle covered,
A whole roasted almond-centered,
Chilli-coated,
Sometimes just plain.

Games people play

2008-10-07T18:01:00.002-04:00

(And I tell you I don't want something when I really do want it because you don't want it as bad as I do and hope that my not wanting it makes you want it more)

Sometimes I think the only way to be really successful is to play along, but that's just wrong, just wrong.

I hate this thing they call the real world. But a bouchon or two usually makes it all better :)

Falling...

2008-10-06T02:34:00.005-04:00

The leaf falls, noiselessly like in the painting that beat Seurat's. The boulder fell, a hundred years before my birth with a deafening crash. The angry flames at the campfire, doused with propane, leapt upward in the shape of a maple leaf and fell crackling into the sky. A tree fell, perhaps with a thud, forming a bridge across troubled waters.

Winter crept silently into the tent at night and three dare-devil (albeit cold) babies slept in the colour factory, as a red fox watched on.

Back for good

2008-10-06T02:29:00.002-04:00

And pray, why were you away for so long?

We were getting reborn as two different people, one green and one blue, one better and one worse. We were also looking to get employed, playing tetris, spending time with lovely mother, and being reprimanded for inconsistencies.

Resurrection

2008-09-17T01:21:00.002-04:00

But not for all of us. A few of us, traditionally the riskier bet, will be safe. And some of us will be completely screwed. And the rest, like me, will lie limply in limbo, waiting for something to happen. Or not.

But I feel slightly better knowing that atleast we are not being wiped off the map forever. However we will be a changed name, new colours, new heads. No more green. And answering the phone will never be the same again. My poetry partner would have disappeared altogether, and so will my lunch-mate.

So long, and thanks for the fish.

Here today, gone tomorrow?

2008-09-15T20:45:00.000-04:00

Poof. Just like that.

Seurat, nature just beat you

2008-09-14T10:24:00.004-04:00

A sunlit canvas was generously spray painted with green, yellow and that faint hue of orange. The randomly planted long ugly twigs reached all the way to the sky, breaking the view into a few non-parallel parts. And in this backdrop, a maroon leaf fell noiselessly, ever so gently, onto the damp soil.

A jet-black snake, that curved too much and hence couldn't be poisonous but scared me nevertheless because i almost stepped on it. Several close-up shots later, I was glad my brave snake-charmer nature-lover dare-devil friend did not venture too close to try and open the snake's mouth, because we never know and i really like him and would hate to see him die. :)

And then the view from the top. Oh, to feel small and large and modest and powerful at the same time.

Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defences.

You alone can make my song take flight -
Help me make the music of the night...

A classic outing that should've taken 6 hours but instead took 14. Between moments of restlessness, I loved every minute of it.

Stir

2008-09-12T00:38:00.004-04:00

Down down down down
Fourteen thirteen then some more
Down down down down
Finally, until four...

Who knows what will transpire tomorrow. Maybe it will be Sunday, Hank's favorite working day. As of tonight, I am drunk. In a perverse way, I just want something to happen. Anything that will create some drama in our drab lives. But I miss my buddy and want her to stay as long as possible.

It is funny, the ways in which the macro-ecomonic environment can ruin your lunchtime.

Tonique

2008-09-06T13:23:00.001-04:00

Three glasses of wine, 3 shots of god-knows-what... and nothing.

More the Curiouser

2008-09-04T22:39:00.002-04:00

Why did my Earl Grey Tea (with milk) taste distinctly like a banana this afternoon. And why does Jim Croce's 'Operator' remind me of winter? Why does 'Blowin' in the Wind', in any form, sung by any of the umpteen artists always give me gooseflesh in my head? Why were the boy's eyes yellow and why can't I ever forget him. Why can I not seem to maintain friendships with sunken-faced people.

Why does he look like a polar bear and she like a squirrel and I like a mango-faced grasshopper? What master of paradoxes made seaweed taste like crisp jelly.

What is it that we see through the looking glass?

Come, with me. Down the rabbit hole.

4 Days in London

2008-09-02T22:32:00.002-04:00

One of the best romantic comedies I've ever seen :)

Our 'heart-breakingly beautiful city' hesitantly doled out good weather on two of the four days - couldn't ask for more and possibly get it. Morgan M was magical, but a little less so than the last September evening I spent there, a year ago. Too much fine-dining has spoilt us, surely.

In Cambridge we experienced cobbled streets on a Saturday, flamenco guitarists (one male one female), the yearning to go back to school, occasional dry coughs, a stereotypical vegetarian restaurant and a near break-up. (Alifespansmanydaysandadayspanssomanylives)

On a rainy Sunday we felt the early blues of having woken up too late. These disappeared during lunch with the successful brother. The real finds of the day were the little people in the treasure hunt and the free tomato-and-herb scones at Food for Thought. Yumm! Then the half G1 dinner at the place with too many puppets, a date, and a boy with the purple shirt who is wearing his happy face these days.

On Monday I got my way - we ate at Wagamama near the Eye- Number 72 and the tamarind chilli pavlova, though it wasn't the same without Titli. The day was beautiful! Diffused sunlight and music and the smell of old books filled the air. Soon it was time to go, and I left my favourite sweatshirt at the airport security check in all my sorrow and absent-mindedness.

As I sleepily made my way back home in the yellow taxi and the skyline appeared in the distance, I felt the familiar goosebumps greeting me: Welcome back home.

Yes and...

2008-08-23T00:29:00.003-04:00

...How many nights does a man have to work,
Before he calls it a night?

Cake: Working until Friday midnight.
Icing: Losing all your work in a matter of seconds and being told there's no way to get it back.

(AARRRRRGH)

Old Friends

2008-08-21T00:12:00.002-04:00

Sat on their park bench
Like bookends.

I met little Calvin today. She is a married woman now. Still the same fierce bundle of energy though. I am happy for all that she is, and how she has changed, and how we stumbled over sentences to keep up with all that we had to catch up on. A year is a long time...

*********
Trrring Trrring.
"Hello, I am unavailable, please leave me a message blahtida."
"Hi Butterfly! It's me, from New York. Dying to know how you're-"
(Loud Australian voice)
"If you want to listen to your message, press 1. If you want to record a new voicemail, press 2."
Shrug.

*********
I must really hate my phone. Last night, I spat on it in my sleep.

Dangling Conversations

2008-08-19T01:08:00.002-04:00

(...memories from another phase...)

Paul and Art -

It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lae
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.
And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
And the dangled conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
"Can analysis be worthwhile?"
"Is the theater really dead?"
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
You're a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

Conversations undangled

As we sit there
And you drink my coffee
Our life turns into a movie
In eastman colour.

Did you hear the waves last night
Lashing against the shore?
I sure did not as I was more
Or less asleep in your arms.

Now the conversation's undangled,
No more words need to be said -
Let's just go straight to bed
And talk of unimportant things.

Like couplets out of rhyme,
We swam a-round and round,
Until in each other we found
the beauty of free verse.

Freedom at Midnight

2008-08-19T00:54:00.000-04:00

Today, I was walking home from work at nine minutes past twelve. Suddenly, I felt this urge - I stopped, pinched out my contact lenses and threw them on the road. Little shiny torturous pieces of blue-tinged plastic.

I walked on, half-blind, but able to see clearly.

A Dream in Q106

2008-08-17T01:58:00.000-04:00

She with the brown skin and brown eyes

She looked at me fondly

And spoke in a chocolate voice

----------

if i had a way with words like you do

i would have written those lines about you

----------

My lovely Jibb,

You DO.

A story of

2008-08-16T02:57:00.000-04:00

Eyelids stuck to each other
And then of a spring in one step
While the other limps along.

The story of spelling my name
In other peoples' names.
Mary Adam David Harry Ursula Robert I for Identity.

The story of my life
Is no longer nine to five.

(This is for you P: because you loved it, and I love you.)

Freedom in Ties

2008-08-16T02:14:00.000-04:00

My loyalties lie with no one but myself. That I absent-mindedly continue to be in my job, in relationships even, is part social pressure, part inertia, and partly the fact that I am having a good time. Permanence is not all that comforting to me - irreversibility is scary (Ack!). Unless of course, it brings along with it more variety than I can ever soak up in seven lifetimes.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

I want to be a free bird. If there's a leash, please make it invisible and do not tell me about it. Do not ask me to be an adult. I'm busy thinking about time travel and bonsai babies and talking rabbits.

How do you give me all this freedom, and more? Maybe it is your unmuddled nature of thought. All I have to offer in return are few laughs, and some poetry.

Under the sheer power
Of an industrial grade shower
At a cafe named Mix
An alcohorlix
Has found her home.

Sigh

2008-08-15T02:40:00.000-04:00

I told you! It was so simple - all you had to do, was avoid flying over the Atlantic for those two weeks of your life. Simple, ain't it? And yet now, somehow, we will find ourselves just missing each other. C'est la vie, mon ami. Maybe we can wave to each other from the plane. I will look out for a semi-bald guy.

I really will miss you, Mr. Tambourine man.

Paris, Je Te Tres Aime

2008-08-15T02:32:00.000-04:00

Christmas Eve at Montmarte. A violent art gallery. A box of blueberries. A pack of cigarettes.

Et tu, Brute?

2008-08-14T00:22:00.000-04:00

The mad one has fallen prey. At long, painful, last.